Down with censorship!

So here's what I did.  I took a step back from writing.  From this blog.  And I let myself be where I needed to be.  I'm better now.  Happier.  I find myself censoring myself on here, editing and questioning.  I needed to go back to the spiral-bound pages where I can just let myself ramble and rant, and interrupt myself, and not worry about cohesiveness or coherence.  I even want to go back and edit myself here.  Because when I say, "I'm better now.  Happier."... well, that sounds a bit cliche, a bit "Girl, Interrupted."  But I sort of like it.  So maybe I'll just expand on it.  I am happier than when I wrote that last post.  I am "better" because I am more at ease with where I'm at in my life.  I'm less lonely.  Though still lonely at times. 

I had a busy weekend, a full social calendar.  I just watched the season premiere of "Mad Men," and for once I am watching it as the episodes air, and not just on Netflix. 

I still find myself stopping, deleting, editing.  It's hard to transition from paper to electronic.  Because, you know, someone could read this.  I'm putting it out there.  It's not like a journal that I can hide in my room somewhere.  Although... people have read my journals before.  And I'd rather people I don't know read them than people I do know.  So maybe this is better?  I am just going to ramble and let it be what is is, or whatever it'll be.

I find that I go back and re-read these posts and notice how they jump around, how they don't always flow... and I wanted, oh how I wanted to be the kind of prolific writer who could just make things flow in a stream-of-consciousness way, and oh, maybe they will, for some people, and oh, see, I'm doing it again.

I don't want to consider my audience.  I just want to get it out.  The internet told me that Andy Warhol said: “Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.”

Smart, yeah?  I like it and I wanna stop censoring.  It's hard, but really, is making art easy?  Actually, it's funny how easy it can seem once you just start letting it flow.  (But that easy feeling comes so rarely for me... though I believe there's a way for it to happen more often, and I'm working on that way right now, as we speak, as I write, so to speak.)

Cat stretch yawn.  Good night.