Sink

It's been really hard to write lately.  I had to take a deep breath just to get my hands on the keyboard.  I guess that I was hoping my little weekend getaway would have helped rejuvenate me, cheer me up.  And, well, it didn't.  It's been really hard to focus on the beautiful things. 

I watched a Ted talk a couple of days ago where this guy videotaped a second of each day of his life.  He would just videotape a little moment of each day, something he wanted to remember.  The snippets of hospital visits weren't necessarily beautiful or happy moments, but he made a point to include some of those moments too.  The sad things.  And it's important to remember those moments, painful though they may be.  So even though usually I like to be an optimist, and generally have a positive outlook, I've realized that I can stop avoiding this blog and stop avoiding recording moments simply because they aren't beautiful.  Sometimes I need to live through the sadness.  To just let it be what it is.  To sink into it, even.

And it's damn hard.  Because I want to cry.  A lot.  At a lot of inopportune times as well.  So I breathe in.  I try to let it pass.  But I need to allow some time for tears.  I need to move through this. 

It's been more than a month since the break up.  And just tonight, I saw a picture of the two of us and had to consciously hold back the tears.  Maybe I should just let them flow.  I know maybe it's silly, but the apartment walls are thin and I don't want my neighbors to think I'm a basket case.

I worry too much about what other people think about me.  Even though they probably don't even think that much about me at all.  And if they do?  Why do I care?  I found myself up late last night (couldn't sleep til four a.m.) and one of the many thoughts rushing through my head was that I worry about people thinking I'm unintelligent.  For so long, I prided myself on my smarts.  A++ honor student.  It was something so easy to define myself as.  And now, without the grades to back me up, I find myself keeping quiet if I'm not sure that what I have to say will sound intelligent.  But here's the thing... there are a lot of people who have judged me as unintelligent in the past.  People who've gotten to know me and then actually told me that I surprised them with my intelligence.  And I care... I still care about coming off as book smart.  It was such a huge piece of my identity for so long that it's hard to think people might think the exact opposite of that.  I feel like I am rambling but this is the kind of thing that I think about that makes it hard to sleep.  And typing it I do feel... like, ugh, seriously?!?  Maybe if I write enough sentences about it, it'll go away.  I think it'll take pages and pages.  It's ingrained. 

Back to this sadness.  Much of it is rooted in loneliness.  It's ironic that at this time when what I probably need is human connection, I find myself having such a hard time reaching out.  And it makes me sad that certain people who I thought would be there for me aren't reaching out to me.  And then I withdraw even further... probably making them think that I want to be alone... if they even think anything about me at all...

Rant alert.  Vague rant alert.  It really really sucks when you do things for people that require a lot of thought, time, and/or money and they don't give you gratitude.  And it sucks even harder when not only do they not seem thankful, but they don't do the same for you when you are in their shoes.  I could pile on more here, but it's making me upset enough just vaguely ranting.  Done. 

So I guess I'm putting my "something beautiful" project on hold.  Can't say that I'm surprised at my lack of commitment to the idea.  But let's put a positive spin on this and call it embracing change instead. 

So I suppose what I'm doing now is moving through sadness.  It's been a while since I've been this far deep in the belly of uncomfortableness. I'm trying to let the sadness settle into my bones a bit instead of just running from it or burying it.  And it aches.  I've faith that I won't fall too far even though I am letting the heaviness in.  I don't know what this space will become as I explore this unfamiliar (yet distantly, scarily familiar) place.  And maybe I will get so scared of the sadness that I will run run run.  I feel like this post is disjointed, jumpy.  I don't know what direction to take.  So, that's where I am now.  Not really sure if I feel any better after writing this.  It's only confirming my state of wtfness at the moment.  End scene.

Home

I've been without my laptop for a few days... was on vacation from the 31st until.... well, yesterday, technically.  I flew in and went to work for a half day, then went to Zumba, then just watched television, sleepy, until I fell asleep on the couch.

Now I am getting sleepy on the couch again.  But I remembered that I'd started this blog, and that I'd had to neglect it whilst on vacation, so I should probably pop in. 

I had to catch up on my little calendar list of daily things of beauty too.  The biggest thing that struck me upon arriving home in Denver was this.... I saw the mountains outside the airplane window, and I thought: "Home."

Immediately my mind started dissecting this thought.  My first thought was just that one word, home, but the next was a thoughts were a jumble of questioning that very idea.  How I don't always really feel at home here.  How I don't always even feel at home in Minnesota now.  How home can be such an abstract concept even though it seems like the way we learn it in school is so concrete.  Home back then would have been a drawing of a house with a brick chimney emitting little curlicues of smoke. 

Then I took a moment and thought - stop it, brain.  Just accept your initial thought without getting all deep or trying to question everything.  Sometimes it's nice to just think that those beautiful mountains mean home.